Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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