I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
