fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
