you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
