Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
