My balls are so social today.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
the raccoons are back...
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