seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
