I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
