i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
