I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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