does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
