I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
