Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
