"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
