And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
