There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
