I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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