Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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