Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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