Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
