Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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