Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
