Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
