I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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