the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
