Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
