11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
