why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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