I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You pole danced in your parka.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
