he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
