one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
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