how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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