It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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