I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
