I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
foreskin is a definite game changer
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
