now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
they need to just BURY HIM!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
