its not stalking. its research.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
