you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
