New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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