she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
