if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
