She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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