Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
