i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
