Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
