if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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