My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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