There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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