After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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