I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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