My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
