i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
