**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
