his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
