I will die if light touches me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
