i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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